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In the Absence of the Village, Mothers Struggle Most. Dear Mothers,I’m writing you today because I can no longer contain the ache in my gut and fire in my heart over an injustice that you and I are bearing the brunt of. Though this injustice is affecting everyone — men, women, and children alike — mothers not only feel its burden more than most, but we also feel disproportionately responsible for alleviating its pervasive and deeply damaging symptoms, which is adding hugely to the weight of the world we’re already wired to carry. The injustice is this: It takes a village, but there are no villages. By village I don’t simply mean “a group of houses and associated buildings, larger than a hamlet and smaller than a town, situated in a rural area.” I’m referring to the way of life inherent to relatively small, relatively contained multigenerational communities.

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Communities within which individuals know one another well, share the joys, burdens, and sorrows of everyday life, nurture one another in times of need, mind the wellbeing of each other’s ever- roaming children and increasingly- dependent elderly, and feel fed by their clearly essential contribution to the group that securely holds them. I’m talking about the most natural environment for children to grow up within.

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I’m talking about a way of life we are biologically wired for, but that is nearly impossible to find in developed nations. I’m talking about the primary unmet need driving the frustration that most every village- less mother is feeling. Though the expression “It takes a village to raise a child” has become cliché, the impact of our village- less realities is anything but insignificant.

It’s wreaking havoc on our quality of life in countless ways. In the absence of the village…Enormous pressure is put on parents as we try to make up for what entire communities used to provide. Our priorities become distortedand unclear as we attempt to meet so many conflicting needs at once. We feel less safe and more anxious without the known boundaries, expectations and support of a well- known group of people with whom to grow. We’re forced to create our tribes during seasons of our life when we have the least time and energy to do so. We tend to hold tight to our ideals and parenting paradigms, even when doing so divides us, in an attempt to feel safer and less overwhelmed by so many ways and options.

Our children’s natural way of being is compromised, as most neighborhoods and communities no longer contain packs of roaming children with whom to explore, create, and nurture their curiosity. We run around like crazy trying to make up for the interaction, stimulation and learning opportunities that were once within walking distance. We forget what “normal” looks and feels like, which leaves us feeling as if we’re not doing enough, or enough of the “right” things. Depression and anxiety skyrocket, particularly during seasons of our lives when we instinctively know we need more support than ever but don’t have the energy to find it.

We feel disempowered by the many responsibilities and pressures we’re trying so hard to keep up with. We spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need in an attempt to fill the voids we feel. Watch The Good Guy Tube Free.

We rely heavily on social media for a sense of connection, which often leads us to feel even more isolated and inadequate. We feel lonely and unseen, even when we’re surrounded by people. Our partnerships are heavily burdened by the needs that used to be spread among communities, and our expectations of loved ones increase to unrealistic levels. We feel frequently judged and misunderstood. We feel guilty for just about everything: not wanting or having time to be our children’s primary playmates, not working enough, working too much, allowing too much screen time in order to keep up with our million perceived responsibilities, etc. Joy, lightness and fun feel hard to access.

We think we’re supposed to be independent, and feel ashamed of our need for others. We make decisions that don’t reflect our values but our deeply unmet needs.

Perhaps most tragically of all, the absence of the village is distorting many mothers’ sense of self. It’s causing us to feel that our inadequacies are to blame for our struggles, which further perpetuates the feeling that we must do even more to make up for them. It’s a trap. A self- perpetuating cycle. A distorted reality that derives its strength from the oppressive mindsets still in place despite our freedoms. Here’s a new mindset to try on for size: You and I are not the problem at all. WE ARE DOING PLENTY. We may feel inadequate, but that’s because we’re on the front lines of the problem, which means we’re the ones being hardest hit.

We absorb the impact of a broken, still- oppressive social structure so that our children won’t have to. That makes us heroes, not failures. No, we’re not oppressed in the same ways that we used to be (nor in the ways other women still are around the world), but make no mistake about it: In the absence of the village, we’re disadvantaged like never before. We may have more freedoms than our foremothers, but our burden remains disproportionately, oppressively heavy. Since the beginning of time (and until very recently), mothers have borne life’s burdens together. We scrubbed our clothes in the streams while laughing at splashing toddlers and mourning the latest loss of love or life.

We wove, sewed, picked, tidied, or mended while swapping stories and minding our aging grandmothers. We tended one another’s wounds (both physical and emotional), relied on one another for strength when times were tough, and sought counsel from our community’s wise, experienced, and cherished elders. Village life inherently fostered a sense of safety, inclusivity, purpose, acceptance, and importance. These essential elements of thriving were built in. Now? We’re being forced to create all of that for ourselves within a society that has physically and energetically restructured itself around a whole new set of priorities. Watch Atlas Shrugged: Part I Online Metacritic.

It’s a profits before people model, which threatens the wellbeing of nearly everything we mothers are wired to protect. Though I’m optimistic and hopeful by nature, this dilemma has left me discouraged many times over the years. How does an entire nation of mothers shift a storyline this massive while individually and collectively weakened by the absence of the very thing we so desperately need? Major cultural shifts in prioritization, structure, and power are clearly in order (and I do believe they’re happening, however chaotically). In the meantime, each of us has a choice to make: We can buy into, make peace with, and conform to the way things are, or exercise the freedoms our foremothers and fathers won for us and commit to doing our unique and essential part in creating change, starting within us and working our way out. You and I aren’t likely to experience what it’s like to raise children in an actual village, but that’s okay. That’s not what this generation is about. This generation is about waking up to who we really are and what we really want, and resetting society’s sails accordingly. Playing your part in the re- villaging of our culture starts with being wholly, unapologetically, courageously YOU.

Here are a few tangible steps you can take whenever you’re ready: Get really clear on one thing: the fact that you’re struggling is not a reflection of your inadequacies, but the unnatural cultural circumstances you’re living within. Own and honor your needs. Most mothers are walking around with several deeply unmet needs of their own while focusing almost exclusively on the needs of others. This is precisely the thing that keeps us from gaining traction and improving our circumstances, both individually and collectively. Practice vulnerability. Rich, safe, authentic connection is essential for thriving. Cultivating this quality of connection takes courage, and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone.